Discouragement

This was an email I sent home on the first Sabbath. I had preached 2 sermons at this point - Friday night and Sabbath morning - and was getting ready to preach the 3rd that evening.

Last night I was ready to catch the next flight home. Yesterday's technical difficulties were only the start of it (The "Jesus video" wouldn't work so I wasted precious practice time waiting for the new version of that then still didn't get it, and my slides got out of sync -- ha that probably doesn't mean much to you, does it? will explain...later). I went to my site Thurs night for dress rehearsal and very little was actually ready. They kept saying "tomorrow" (now a running joke here. do you have ___? ....tomorrow. Will there be ___? ...tomorrow.). So then tech issues, then eye issues. I put my contacts in. The right one was fine, but as soon as I put the left one in, my eye started burning and turned bright red. But I couldn't get it out. Then it stopped hurting as bad so I left it for awhile and tried to practice then thought, “No, I really need to get this out!” because my vision was all blurry in that eye. So thankfully I was able to get it out. So I took it out and tried to find out what was wrong with it. It might have had a small tear in it, I couldn't quite tell. So I thought "eh, I'll throw it away and put in a new one." So I threw it away and went to get a new one... and realized I left them all at home. Along with my glasses. So I left one contact in, in case I needed to see far; I didn't want to be totally blind. So that successfully gave me a migraine. And I kept getting shocked by my electrical stuff, it was bizarre. So I thought, "OK! Satan is working hard! That must mean God is up to something big here." So I was excited about the evening meeting. But then I got there and there was NO ONE there except about 40 kids, and they wanted me to do the kids' program, but I needed to set up my stuff to speak and there was no pastor, no translator, absolutely no adults except me and my driver. And then my projector wouldn't work. It just would NOT work. No matter what I did. I had never had that happen before. I worked on it for 10 min or more, and finally it just... started working. Awhile later our coordinator showed up to get it working, but by then it already was. So the whole evening went kind of like that - NOTHING went according to my plan. My translator read off my notes and off the screen instead of translating what I said. The whole thing felt like a huge flop. I was so disappointed. Others came back saying they "felt like Mark Finley!" and that their translators were awesome and the timing was great and it was powerful and people loved it... and at mine, they just sat and stared at me. I was SO discouraged. I mean, I don't need to be (insert name of amazing evangelist here) but I wanted to at least know that God was using me. Liesse asked me something like, "Have you felt God preaching through you?" and I DIDN'T and it was so discouraging -- I Prayed and prayed and prayed and studied my Bible and Messiah and asked God for His blessings over and over and over and asked Him to preach through me; and I didn't understand why it went so terribly. But maybe there's more that I can't see. Maybe to them it wasn't as terrible as I thought. A bunch of people came off the street to hear. I'm in a tent right by a busy road, and people crowded in from the road to hear. So, that was cool. My driver said his relatives were there (a young girl and her little brother were in the car with us -- the relatives the driver was talking about were the kids' parents) and that they're not yet Adventists, and they're hoping that they will become Adventists soon. And I found out only about 20 people at my site are Adventist. So that's really neat. I got kind of excited about that. So yeah, this morning was kind of the same -- nothing going according to MY plan, but then I realized these aren't my meetings anyway - they're God's. So maybe they're going according to His, and I just need to be okay with that. My translator was even worse this morning, but my driver was sitting in the front row, and he started tearing up during the sermon. So I guess God was working! So yeah, it's been a bit discouraging - I'm not one of those powerful preacher-y people, but I've found a lot of comfort in 1 Cor 1:23 - 2:5 as well as 2 Cor 12:9-10. And Ezekiel. The Ezekiel part was pretty cool - God was saying "look, I know I'm sending you to a rebellious people. I know your job will be tough. But your job is to be faithful to me whether they listen or not. It's not your responsibility whether or not they respond. You bring the message, the rest is in My hands. You're only the messenger - the choice is theirs. Whether they are faithful or unfaithful, you must still be faithful in bringing the message." And Utap might not be "a rebellious people" - but my driver was telling me that those people aren't interested in spiritual things, most are not Adventist, most don't really care and only come because of the incentives. But God says "you be faithful with the message I've given you, and whether they respond or not, you're still doing my work. You're still doing my will. You must still be faithful to me."

Continued prayers are muuuch appreciated. I'm going over the mountain to a "branch Sabbath school" pretty soon, so I better look over my sermon for tonight, since I don't know if I'll have time between that and tonight's meeting. Please pray that everything goes smoothly tonight. I think we'll have a lot of people tonight, and we'll be showing the "Jesus" video for the first time tonight ( was supposed to start last night, but... yeah…). And I still don't have the sound working, so that's a huge request. Because I think it could be a powerful draw, but only if people can actually hear it.

Love you and miss you. Keep the prayers and emails coming :)

Heidi

Thursday

Thursday was our first day of “work”, although the meetings didn’t actually begin until Friday. It was a day of easing us out of the vacation mentality and into the mentality of hard work. In the morning, we went to a meeting at the hub church where we met the people we would be working with for the next two weeks. The meeting went well enough, and after it was over, we headed across the parking lot to the conference office for lunch.

After lunch, one of the conference leaders began telling us when we would be picked up and who would pick us up that evening for our first site visit. It went something like this, “He will be by to pick you two up at 4:30.” And then, with a gesture toward another driver, “And he’ll be by between 5 and 5:30 to pick up you three.” When he got to me, he sort of waved his hand and said that I was close and someone would be there. Then he started to move on. “Wait… no wait…” I stammered, “What do you mean? Who am I going with? And… when should I be ready to go?” At this, he turned to the men next to him and they began to speak in Tagalog. After some discussion, he turned to me again and said, “Yes, you’re close. There will be a driver there to pick you up.” Reading my expression, he smiled and said, “Don’t worry! Someone will be there.” “Okay… well, what time?” More discussion. “Sometime between 5:30 and 6:00.” I was a little disappointed that I wouldn’t be driving with anyone from my group. I was already nervous about the site visit, and I wanted the comfort of driving at least partway with someone I knew. It was only later that I became thankful for the arrangement.

As I waited for my ride that evening, I grew more and more tense. All the other members of my group had already been picked up by about 5:30, and there was still no sign of my unnamed driver. I waited and waited for what felt like an eternity. Finally, an elderly couple approached me from within the hotel – I was waiting out front – and asked if I was with ShareHim. Relief washed over me and I excitedly said, “Yes! Are you my drivers?” To which my dear new friends replied, “No. We’re assigned to another site.” “Oh,” I replied, trying not to let my fear or disappointment show. I felt so lost. “What is your site name?” they asked me. “Um, well, I don’t really know what it’s called… Maybe it’s in my folder!” I pulled out the folder of information I had been given. “No, it’s not in here.” They looked at each other, then back at me. “Who is coming to pick you up?” “Well, you see, they didn’t give me a name…” “Did you get a phone number from anyone at your site? You know, at the meeting?” “No, I didn’t,” I answered, feeling very embarrassed, indeed. “What time did they say you would be picked up?” “Between 5:30 and 6:00.” They checked their watches; it was 5:50. “Well, they still have 10 minutes.” They didn’t know what to do with me, so finally the woman took out a piece of paper, scribbled down her name and phone number, and said “Call me if no one comes.” I thanked her, and then they were gone.

A long twenty minutes later, my driver pulled up. There was another young man in the front seat, and my pastor in the backseat. They were friendly and jovial and made conversation throughout the 10 minutes that it took to get to the site. I tried to relax and enjoy their company, and during the short ride, I finally began to feel at ease.

The purpose of the site visit was to make sure everything was ready for the first meeting the following night; everything was supposed to be set up as it would be the next evening. We were supposed to test all of the equipment and go over an incredibly long list of questions to make sure the first meeting ran smoothly. As a result of filling my head with notions of “running smoothly,” I was not prepared for what I found. I could go on and on about what was not there and what was not set up. We had a tent, and we had seating. And that was about it. We had a sound system, but no sound cord. And the answer I received to most of my questions was, “…tomorrow.” As in, “We’ll test that tomorrow. We’ll have that set up tomorrow. We’ll bring the extension cord tomorrow. We’ll have lights tomorrow.” I prayed earnestly and tried to believe them.

That evening, back at the hotel, we swapped stories of our site visits. The question, “Was everything set up at your site?” was voiced countless times, and was usually met by a chorus of emphatic “Nooo!”’s. Ah, so I wasn’t the only one. This comforted me, perhaps too much. Because, instead of staying up to go over the 3 sermons we would be preaching in a span of less than 24 hours, instead of getting on my knees to pray that it would all come together, instead of spending my time asking God for His blessing on the meetings, His guidance, and that He would draw in the visitors that needed to come, instead of immersing myself in His Word and filling my heart and mind with the promises that would get me through the next couple of weeks…I wearily crawled into bed and fell asleep.

First Letter Home

Note: I’ve decided, for several reasons, to include some emails that I wrote during the trip rather than try to summarize all of the events according to my memory. The writing isn’t incredibly articulate, but it’s more honest and raw than what I get when I try to write from memory. So, there it is! My first update home from the Philippines (sent Thursday morning, 07/08/10):

Our awesome hotel

View from the hotel

Hi! This is the first I've gotten online here. Got here (to the hotel) yesterday...morning? or noon-ish. Something like that. Got settled, then they took us to the mall/grocery store. I realized I had no way to tell time -- I almost always rely on my cell phone, and I'm not carrying it with me here. My roommate was in the same boat. So we found $3 watches at the mall, which we are now wearing. :) Then yesterday evening we had free time but I couldn't get the internet to work on my computer. I was SO tired but I didn't want to go to sleep too early (it was only about 6 or 6:30 when we got back from the mall), so I made myself stay up - finally went to bed about 8:45 or 9.

MacArthur Park

We didn't have to meet in the morning until 9 but I woke up at 5 and couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up about 5:30. I wandered around with my roommate, explored the hotel, took pictures. Then we met at 9, had worship and ate breakfast then the conference people (same ones who took us to the mall - they've been really hospitable & kind) took us out for most of the day. We went to MacArthur park - very neat place. Took lots of pictures. Then we went to some downtown shops & browsed the local goods. Then went to lunch @ a downtown place. Had rice and a mushroom/veggie dish (very good), corn soup with vegetarian oyster sauce (what about oyster sauce is vegetarian? What is their definition of vegetarian? lol. The "vegetarian" soup at the hotel had some chicken in it, we're pretty sure. I think I've had more meat on this trip... but haven't gotten sick! so it's all good), and "halo halo" for dessert - it was purple and gross! Halo halo means "mix mix" and it's sort of like ice cream with tons of... stuff.. .mixed in. It comes all separated: ice, and globby stuff (jelly chunks and a cherry and fruit and cornflakes and beans) and you mix it all up into purple goop and eat it (if you have a strong stomach and taste for strange exotic things). After we ate, we went to Leyte park, which is a beautiful resort-type place on the coast. I think it ties with a place in South Africa and Bahia Salinas as the most beautiful places I've ever been in the entire world. It was like paradise. Some of us swam and a couple of the guys played soccer with the guys there. Took lots of pictures of that place - it was amazing.

Roommates! :)

Then back to the hotel, ate and had class (told us how to do some technical stuff and had us read through our first sermon to get familiar with it). Starting tomorrow, we'll preach 3 sermons in less than 24 hours. It's going to be intense, they say. Oh, and I was wrong - it's 19 sermons in 16 days, not 14 days.

Rambutan!

Today we meet with our team (pastor and translator) and go visit our site and do kind of a run-through - make sure sound works, projector works ,everything technical works, get familiar with the place and our team, and then tomorrow (gulp) we start preaching!!!

Halo Halo

Mmm...

So, yesterday we had an amazing, relaxing day of paradise (“Do you want coconut water?” “Here, try some rambutan.” “Here, let's take you to an amazing resort. Relax, enjoy...”) but today the real hard work starts. Yesterday, we kind of forgot we weren't on vacation! Today, from what we’ve heard, we'll forget we HAD a vacation!

Leyte Park

Love you all and miss you all and please pray!!! Looking forward to preaching tomorrow but I'm really nervous.

Love,

Heidi

The Beginning

During our short stay in Sedona, I found myself fumbling with my camera, trying feebly to capture the incredible panoramic vistas. As I compared the images on my camera’s small screen to the surrounding sights, I let out a frustrated sigh and put my camera away, only to retrieve it a few moments later and try again. The beauty was overwhelming and larger than life. There was no way I could capture the essence of such a grand and majestic place. And yet, over and over again, I tried. There is some part of me, of each of us, that tries to tenaciously hang on to the beautiful moments in life. We want to capture them, to treasure them, to be able to go back and, in some small way, experience them again. There is a fear deep inside that we may forget; that what brought us so much joy may fade from reality to memory, and eventually to nothing at all, as even our most cherished memories slip away.

I realize that my attempt to record my short journey to the Philippines will be as futile as my attempt to capture a beautiful landscape on camera. My heart still yearns for the people who, in such a short time, became my family. My eyes still long for the places that looked as close to heaven as any I’ve ever seen. My soul still thirsts for those nights when I wrestled with God and received His blessing in a more tangible way than I’ve ever experienced it. The beauty was overwhelming and larger than life. There is no way I can capture the essence of such a life-changing experience with my ineloquent words. And yet… I try. Because deep within me lies the fear that as I forget, as my memories fade out of reach, the changes within me will fade with them. And so I write. I write to remember. I know that I will look back on these memories, that cherished time, and smile wistfully. But more than that, I hope that I will look back and remember that I am a different person today because God met me there. This is my altar, my Ebenezer, another stone to add to the collection.

I originally created this blog as way to give others a window into my experiences in the Philippines. Now, I’m writing for myself. But many works are written for a secondary audience. This is one of them. And so I invite you to come in. Look around. Stay awhile, if you wish. Experience the memories with me. Just keep in mind that, as even the best photograph of the Grand Canyon fails to capture its splendor, this blog gives only a glimpse into the magnificent workings of an amazing God in a little city on the other side of the world…