I should be doing homework. That, and cleaning my room. And speaking of cleaning, I should clean the bathroom, too; it's my week. And that laundry needs to be done soon, too. Oh, and really, I guess I should be applying for that job instead of putting it off. Come to think of it, I probably should be working on sending those way-overdue thank-you notes. And answering those emails that I've thought a lot about, but never replied to. Should be, should be, should be...
But I'm not.
Why? I don't know, really. I could chalk it up to procrastination. Or, possibly plain old laziness. Maybe it's because we're on break. Does anyone really have the motivation to get things done over break? All I've managed to catch up on is sleep, and I haven't even done a good job at that. Maybe it's because I'm distracted. Maybe I need to refocus. Maybe, maybe, maybe...
Truth is, I've been struggling with BALANCE lately. I changed a lot when I came to college. In a lot of good ways, I think. But recently I realized that I've changed a lot since I've been here, too. Especially this year. And I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I don't know how to explain the changes. But I can see them... a little more every day. I wonder if others see them, too.
Less time studying, more time learning. Less time sleeping, more time listening. Less time worrying/stressing, more time playing & exploring. More quiet and reserved... yet more outgoing. Less self-confidence, more confidence in Him. More running, less still. More content, less striving. Less trusting, yet more open. More doubt, still more seeking.
This past summer, I tried slacklining for the first time. At first, I thought it was impossible. For me, that is."How in the world am I supposed to get up, let alone walk?!" I asked in frustration, when I realized it was much harder than it looked. I was convinced I would never get the hang of it. At first. But I watched my sister do it, and I kept trying. "By the end of the summer..." we kept saying. And still I kept trying. Over and over. Just trying to stand took enormous effort. I was scared of falling. I was scared of failure. I was tired of putting in so much effort and yielding so little success. I wanted it to come easily. It didn't. Eventually I was able to stand. But that was just the very first, teeny-tiny baby step in the whole process. I never did master walking. The summer ended too soon, I guess. And the thing is, even though I got to the point where I could stand and take a few steps forward, if I were to go back and try it now, I'd probably have to re-learn that first step -- standing -- all over again.
And maybe that's how it goes with finding balance in life. Maybe it doesn't come as easily as I want it to. I'm scared to fall. I'm afraid of failure. I'm tired of trying over and over without success. There IS a "time for everything"... but sometimes I have such a hard time figuring out when. And what. So I keep on standing... and falling. I take a few shaky steps, and fall again. And repeat. It's a process. The funny thing is, even though slacklining was frustrating, it was fun, and I kept at it. I had momentary bouts of discouragement, times when I decided to go inside and try again another day. And another day would come and I'd be back out there, standing, falling, walking, falling, and enjoying every minute of it. And it's the same with life. Sometimes I get frustrated, wishing I was making more progress, faster. And yes, sometimes I get discouraged... but not for too long. Because I think my "legs" are growing stronger. And I think, through the trying and the falling, I'm learning how to find my balance. I hope so, at least.
Sometimes I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing. That I'm making good decisions. That I'm not missing out on the big things in life, or "missing the forest for the trees."
Sometimes it's refreshing to re-realize I don't have to do it on my own. To remember that "He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion." And to remember that, even though falling hurts sometimes, I can't fall out of His reach.
And I'm so glad that He's so patient. Because aside from my trouble with balance, I think I have some trouble with patience. But that's another thought... for another time. For now, I think I better go work on some homework. Oh, and maybe clean my room...
